Hello, I’m the Simi and it is more than a name it is an attitude. I would tell you what Simi means, but then I’d have to kill you and though you are probably quite tasty, Akri gets all cranky when I snack on humans. Akri knows, but he’s not telling neither.
I have been with akri for a long, long time. How long? I don’t know. It’s something like dog years. What is a dog year? I had a dog once, but I ate him so he didn’t last a whole year. He snarled at me and I thought, hmmm, snarling dog…barbecue which leads me to my favorite food. Barbecued anything. I used to have a favorite kind of barbecue but akri says I can’t talk about that anymore and that it’s off the menu. He get real upset when the Simi talk about it so I don’t talk about it no more.
Where was I? Oh, I remember now. I protect akri, but he often says someone needs to protect him from me. I don’t know what he means by that. The Simi is a good protector. I eat anyone who annoys him. Anyone who don’t like akri…one word for them…barbecue. Sometimes toast would work, but I find toast too crispy so I prefer barbecue.
As for my favorite Squire, that Nicky is real nice. I don’t want to barbecue him. But he do look mighty tasty. Akri says I can’t say in public what I really want to do to him so I won’t. But he’s real nice to the Simi when she calls so I like him and I won’t make him barbecue.
My favorite time is now because now no one tries to tie me to a stake and make barbecued Simi. I did not like them people from long ago cause they would look at me and scream, then try to exorcise me. Exercising is good if you are Richard Simmons, but it is not good if you are the Simi. They did not like the Simi, so the Simi did not like them.
On that note, akri says the Simi has to sign off now or he will take away my plastic. I like my plastic–it make people do all kinds of nice things for the Simi. It gets me stuff. Akri also say if I don’t get offline he’ll turn off my QVC which would not make me happy and then I would have to barbecue akri. Since I am very attached to akri, I cannot kill him so I have to go now. Bye-bye.